the sudden disappearance of Akita

this is one of the bigger unanswered questions in my life, one of the questions that, after all these years, seems to bother me still.

back when i was a young teenager,
i found myself an idol.

someone who i aspired to be like, in literally any aspect. i admired her so much: the way she talked to other people, the way she presented herself online, the music and media she liked and the art she made.



her seeminlgy never ending self-confidence impressed me, her edgy personality and fascination with gore and blood fascinated me, her tough demeanour and sharp comments left me amazed. her art was so well created and the motives she chose spoke to me so much. to top it all off, she was kind of famous in the online forum that i met her in, because she had the biggest art-thread. there were no girls like her in my school. there was nobody i could look up to, nobody but her. Akita, who always kept her head high, was so much cooler than anyone else and had a personality and ego like no other. Akita, who was a force on her own, who could pick a fight with anyone and would never loose.


all of her attracted me like a moth to a flame.
she was the complete opposite of me, everthing that i ever wanted to be,
oh i wanted to be seen and heared by her.
i might have fallen in love with her.

i tried to get her attention really badly, i practically fell to my knees. commented on her drawings all the time, read so much of what she wrote online. eventually i reached my goal and we began to talk to each other in private. we texted each other a lot of times, wrote a lot of messages and skyped together. she explained so many things to me: how to draw in photoshop, how to play league of legends, what youtubers i should check out and which cool new music reccomendations she had. we talked together about our favourite characters in the shows that we both liked and how they fit us, we talked about how we don't like the people in school and how boring many of the people in the forum were. i listened, i laughed, ilearned and i never stopped admiring her.

my Nita on the left and her Akita on the right


drawing by Akita

i started to like the same things as she did and also some other things that were similar to her taste. i began drawing digitally like she did, but chose some different motives. i made my own art thread and posted about myself the way she did. after a while, i began to understand where her taste and personality came from and i copied her way of presenting herself and her big ego. hell, i even began typing like her. a piece of her turned into a piece me, out of admiration and out of hope. the hope to be with her or be like her.

 

one day, Akita disappeared from the internet.

Akita, AklTA, lNK, Zylix, Sylix, zakta … She chose to appear under a lot of different names, disappeared for a while and appreared again with another name. i was kind of used to that. on the 17th of november 2013, she closed up her personal art thread in the forum. the last trace of her that i could find was a deleted post from her account on the 29th of december 2013. Akita was gone and i was left baffeled, alone, with my guidence missing.

months passed, and she never returned. at first, some people asked me about her – where she had gone and what she has been up to. i felt flattered that people chose to ask me, as if i would know. but i had no answers for them. Akita was gone.

all that was left ...

when her art thread was closed, i automatically became the person in the forum with the biggest art thread. people forgot about her, and i was the weird artist who was into the edgy stuff. i became the person with the obnoxious ego that never avoided fights online and stood up for herself. i developed a weird taste and was never afraid to talk about it. i even had younger girls drawing fanart for me and seeking for my attention.

 

i doubt that she will ever read this, and i also kind of hope that she never does. i was pathethic back then, i really, really was. but I did not know any better – did not know how to express my feelings for her or how to deal with what i felt. but she changed me. thanks to Akita, i was able to become the person that i now am. i do not need to be like her or be liked by her, but i will always strive to keep her in the back of my mind.



         

the girl i met back then:


drawing by Akita ; her iconic fursona!
i remember how she told me that the big tail was inspired by lemurs, especially King Julien from the Penguins of Madagascar, hehe.
 

things she was into: my little pony and mlp gore, youtubers (coldmirror, lefloid, iblali, smosh), death note, black butler, asking alexandria, cats in general, happy tree friends, drawing, dubstep (skrillex), breaking bad, metal

fun anecdotes

  • Akita told me to always use 1px brushes for lineart in photoshop, that was really bad advice when i look back on it now, haha.
  • “There is no time, there are only clocks” (Es gibt keine Zeit, es gibt nur Uhren ; a quote from coldmirror) was something that she quoted sometimes. i ran with that and quote it still, its kind of funny. she was weirdly obsessed with clocks, drew them a lot, too.
  • she told me that she could hack peoples facebook accounts and that “if i ever wanted to get rid of someone” she would delete their account for me.
  • she had the popular scene-hair back then.
  • her told me her favourite mlp character was rainbowdash, but i am pretty sure that she changed to fluttershy later. she played twitch in league.